Have more friends, look prettier, get better grades. Throughout my life some rendition of these three thoughts have been running through my head on a daily basis. I am a very competitive person, but not in the traditional sense of the word. My competitiveness is pointed inwards, I live my days in a constant state of trying to be better than I was the day before. But has that been constructive to my life, or has it stifled my abilities to grow? The answer to that question varies greatly depending on what stage of life I was in.

If a 13 year old me was asked how competition affects her life, I would have told you that I was in a constant state of wanting more friends, and feeling like a social reject because I only had a few. There is no question that I am a social person, I love meeting new friends, talking with old ones, or even speaking in front of a crowd. But I find it challenging to make close connections with people that I genuinely care about, this drive to have a group of close friends pushed me to be someone I was not. I began spending my time with people who brought me down a windy path of wrong decisions that caused me to lean away from my faith, family, and my true self. I started having panic attacks and severe anxiety, seemingly with no explanation. My body was having a physical reaction to the situation I had put myself in. After months of confusion and a few “come to Jesus” moments, I realized that my drive to have friends, over having a healthy relationship with myself, and my family, was not worth all that trouble. So with the help of my mom, I worked out of that mindset and back into the person I knew I was meant to be.

While that may mean I don’t have any close friends, it is okay with me because the person I am today is worth all of the trouble it took to get here.

As a 14 year old I was petite, and hit puberty much later than the rest of my peers, this left me with many insecurities and clinical bulimia nervosa. Though this is an extremely complicated issue that has taken me almost two years in therapy to figure out, I believe it comes down to me not thinking I would ever be good enough for myself. I spent all of my time and energy competing with what I looked like and what I believed to be beautiful, I left no time to just be a kid. Though this trial has put me through many ups and downs, it has also pushed me to be infinitely more compassionate than I would have been had I not experienced this kind of struggle. It has shaped me into a loving and empathetic woman, and I pride myself on having the tools to give those in need a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. I can now step into someone’s shoes, imagine exactly how they feel, and come up with the words to comfort them. So no, I am not recovered yet, but I do not for a second regret what I have gone through.

Adding to myself-competitiveness, is my drive to stay at the top of my class, and maintain my 4.0 gpa. Like most high school girls, I have always cared about my grades. But when freshman year hit, I was faced with the never ending speeches in which I was told I would never make it into college if I slacked off and

got a bad grade. Something within me switched. I became hungry, ravenous for academic success. I spent countless late nights and early mornings studying, and watching educational videos. To the naked eye, this may seem great, hey I was getting amazing grades! But what I had really done was take my pre-existing self worth and attach it to the big capital A on the top right corner of my paper; If I got a low score on a test or assignment, my ego would fall, right along with my grade, and stay there until I fixed it, never truly satisfied unless I had above a one hundred percent in a class. Because of this obsession I became very moody, cranky, and sometimes just plain rude in my home. My mom started to notice, and after getting to the root of this complex, she explained to me that I was loved no matter my grades, and that the world would in fact, not end if I happened to get a B on my english essay. Though I still find myself in this mindset today, I am able to remain sane and level headed, and am a much better student because of it.

In just 17 years I have experienced a considerable amount of growing and changing. If it were not for my internal competitive nature, I certainly would not be the daughter, sister, or friend that I am today. My community, my home, has helped me to see that I am a valuable person, no matter my achievements. My family has shown me unconditional love, even when I did not do the same. And my God has reminded me, time and time again that I am beautifully and wonderfully made in his image, and that is enough. They have all helped me to this point in my life and if not for them, I would have gotten stuck in the mud years ago. My drive to always be better has been my greatest downfall, and also what has made me into the strong, God fearing woman that I am today.

_ Carlie Palmer